Day 28

First off, please notice that all you have to do to let me know how you feel about my posts now is to click one of three boxes at the bottom of each post. It is anonymous, so feel free to be honest.

One definite advantage to being a very religious LDS girl on a diet, is that I can be as busy as I want on Sundays. This means that I won't be sitting around my house all day thinking about food and nibbling at food and dreaming about food. Instead, I was on the move from 10am-8pm, with a short break for lunch at 2 and a snack at 6.

This morning I also put on one of my favorite dresses that I'd stopped wearing as frequently because it was no longer very flattering on me. It looked great! It looked better on me today than it did when I bought it last year. I walked into church filled with confidence, and people noticed. I had a couple of people who didn't know about my goal say that I was looking especially pretty today. Here's the thing: I felt pretty. I'm finally beginning to feel like I can be pretty in the traditional sense. You know, the kind of person that you use words like, "pretty" and "beautiful" when describing them to someone they've never met. I've always been, "cute". Without fail. Cute is not bad. But the "cute" girls don't ever get guys. They're the ones who have several million friends who are girls, partly because girls are not intimidated by them. I admit that this has been a mixed blessing in my life. I truly love making new friends. I love talking to girls. I have no problem with it. Stick me in a room with almost any 5 girls for an hour, and I can be-friend at least 4 of them.

Now, men on the other hand....oh boy. This is a very different story. I've always had a fiercely difficult time communicating with guys. The conversations usually go something like this:

Me: Hi!!! overeager smile

That's me. The awkward one.

Male: Hi. (Insert nice ice breaker)
Me: (Insert attempt to be funny intermixed with manic giggling)
Male: (Insert innocent attempt to get the conversation going)
Me: (Insert rambling story told at a fast pace with a sprinkling of TMI)
Male: nods and tries to look attentive while coming up with an escape plan
Me: (Insert Taaaaalking....... Trying to draw out some information about male)
Male: (Insert polite responses and plentiful glances at others walking past)
Me: (Insert mindless jabber. Usually about here is where I just start spitting out random things that flow in my head but come out awful)
Male: Oh hey! Greg! I need to talk to you! It was nice to chat with you....errrr......
Me: Stephanie.
Male: Oh yeah! See ya around! Begins conversation with Greg
Me: Stands awkwardly in same spot left by male, looking around at everyone already immersed in conversations and fighting that awful feeling in my gut that makes my eyes water and cheeks burn with embarrassment and reminds me why I don't talk to guys


So, yeah. I lack skills. I've been getting better in some aspects recently, and there are some guys who give me a chance past the extremely awkward stage. Those ones usually figure out that, while still awkward by nature, I can be fun to have around. Unfortunately, a lot of guys take my ineptitude to mean that I'm interested in them to the point of brain failure. The fact is, this happens 80% of the time, whether I'm attracted to the guy, or not. Sometimes it randomly happens with guys I've known for long periods of time.

This phenomena is particularly evident at church. 

I had a period of time when I did a little better. I actually really talked to a handful of guys at church. We had a very small singles ward at the time. I got along with everyone and just figured that none of the guys were asking out girls in our ward. I was blissfully ignorant for a couple years. Then, one day, I heard a few girls complaining about how they just wanted all the guys at church to leave them alone. These girls were getting asked out at least once a week. So I casually brought it up with more girls and found out that most of the girls had been asked out at least a couple of times. That's when the harsh reality hit me. The guys all knew who I was, but not a single one of them was at all interested in me. That was when I stopped talking to guys at church. I knew that I was not as attractive as any of the girls I'd been around for years, so I stopped trying. In a way, it had its benefits. I was really going to church to focus on strengthening my relationship with God. But, it wasn't until today that I realized that it had gotten to the point where I didn't look guys in the eye when they opened the door for me or passed me in the hall. The most I would do were mumbled thank you's and excuse me's, or sorry's when I bumped into them. And yet, I thought I had a grip on my self-esteem. It wasn't until today, after meeting several guys in the eye at church and smiling and saying an audible hello, that I realized how ridiculous I had become. Thinking about it now has honestly been a painful realization. I can't help but feel some remorse for all of my lost time. I still haven't ever been asked out by any guys that I've known from church, but if there were any chances over the last couple years, I've scared them away or simply not noticed their trying to make eye contact with me. This new surge of confidence is a new day for me. There's a very good chance I still won't ever be asked out by any of the guys at church, but I will meet them in the eyes and smile at them, given the chance. I'm certain there are great guys there that would make great friends, if nothing else.

Working on my conversation skills is going to take some real practice and effort on my part to go out of my comfort zone. But this is my renaissance. This is the time to seriously evaluate things in my life that I could change to make life more satisfying and just plain better. Because you know what, if I can lose twenty pounds in one month, I feel like I can do just about anything. Woops, did I let that slip a day before weigh in?

My bad. Just got a little excited there, I guess.

Also, I know today wasn't very funny (With the exception of the line about brain failure. I cracked myself up on that one.). I'll try to make up for that tomorrow. Pinky swear.