Day 85

Calories burned at the gym today: 591

The first thing I did this morning was go into the gym and upgrade my membership from the basic version to the premium. This means that I now get unlimited use of the tanning beds and massage chairs, and I can also bring along a guest for no extra charge every time I go.

Tonight I brought along my mom.

My head was closer to the camera.
It is not naturally twice the size of my mom's noggin.

She's been debating joining for awhile now. So, when after I got off work today, I showed up in her bedroom dressed for the gym and asked, "Ready to go?" I didn't meet much resistance. My mom has never been one to reach her limit and back off. It's more her style to cruise past her limit at the highest possible speed and then regret it awhile later. This is one of the things that I've always admired about her. Today was no exception. I can tell you right now that she's going to be feeling this one right down to her core. So, kudos to my tough mom.

Alright, after a recent conversation with a friend (who lives very far away from Logan, so all you locals don't bother thinking this is that guy from your church), I feel the need to make a public service announcement.

(Names and identifying details have been changed or removed to protect the identities of those involved in the following story.)

Dear Single Men,

Recently, I received a text that went like this:

"I signed up for this thing my ward (church) does called "Guess Who Came To Dinner" where they assign people to hosts and they meet up for dinner. I got a call from this guy telling me that he was hosting and all the details and such. I didn't recognize his name or anything. However, when he answered the door last night I immediately recognized him as one of the "strange" guys that every ward has... great. But, I walk in and right behind me is another guy who is nice looking. The two of us were the only ones who showed up! So the three of us ate pizza and George, the host, talked at us for three hours. I found out the other guy, Jimmy, lives by me! So, that's nice. As soon as Jimmy asked to use the restroom an alarm went off in my head! I didn't want him to leave me alone! But he did and as soon as the bathroom door closed George pounced! He started asking me questions about my "dating scene" and then asked me out for next weekend. Bah! Luckily I had a good excuse but he was like "It's okay, I have your number so we'll work out another time." Then Jimmy came out and I came up with an excuse to go home. It didn't help that this whole experience gave me a migraine and I went straight home and threw up a couple times"

Boys, boys, boys.

After talking to her on the phone later, I also gathered that he spent a great deal of time talking about his past relationships and his current burning desire to get married, as well as how much money he makes at his job right now. He also has four cats that he baby talked to for awkward lengths of time.

Later, my friend forwarded me a couple of texts that George sent her today:

"Hey man u are very pretty thanks so much for comeing yesterday i really liked you being there jimmy was ok too but beutiful lady much better"

"Dont u be ignoring me u pretty little thing i so want to know whats going on in your adorable world"

Oh heeeeeeeck no.

Males, if this is your standard method of  picking up ladies, you need to seriously reevaluate your game plan.

Personally, I'm more for the "friends first, lovers later" approach. That being said, there is nothing wrong with straight up asking a girl out. Just try not to attack her. If the girl you are pursuing is wringing her hands and anxiously eying all available exits with the look of a cornered fawn, it is time for you to back off.

Few things turn anyone off more than being talked "at" rather than "with" for long stretches of time. This is particularly true for women. The best way to get a girl interested in you is to show that you are genuinely interested in her as a person, not just an item to place a ring, or your lips, on.

Avoid the topics of past relationships and your aching need for marriage and babies like the plague for the first little while you know a girl. Busting these things out on the first night shows that you are desperate and/or still stuck on a past lover. This is not flattering to your date and can be a red flag. If you must mention a past relationship, don't air all your dirty laundry over the dinner table. This gets exceedingly awkward.

Other topics to avoid include anything about how amazing you think you are. If you prattle on about how stellar your salary and house are, and how you are the perfect candidate for a boyfriend, there is a good chance she will disagree with you. By all means, show your best qualities, but be modest and humble. Those traits are far more attractive than pride and conceit.

Attempting to woo a woman via text is a tricky move. If you are one of those people whose 'text voice" sounds as if you have just single-handedly downed half of a keg when you are, in fact, stone cold sober, then you need to keep your texts very short and to the point. Ideally, your texts should only be exchanged as a means of setting up a way for you to connect through astronger form of communication. Phrases such as "but beutiful lady better" do not impress anyone, my dear Casanova.

I just cannot think of a situation where addressing your intended lady with the words, "hey man" is acceptable.

If you find yourself thinking of saying anything along the lines of, "dont u be ignoring me," this should send up a trigger in your mind that she might actually be ignoring you on purpose because she is not interested. I've been there. It hurts. But, you are just going to have to move on, because this is when you really start to send up bright red creepy flares. Take a step back, slow down. Give her a chance to get to know you for awhile. She might decide she's interested, or she might not, but twisting her arm is not ever going to end well.

Now, I have to say that I've always had a great deal for sympathy for guys. I'm glad that I'm not expected to do the asking, planning, and pursuing. That has got to be some seriously intimidating and difficult work for most guys. George is probably a very nice guy. I know that he rescued those cats from the pound, so he must have a very caring heart. And, really, I can't knock his taste in women. My friend is an incredible person. He just wants what anyone wants, to love and be loved. My heart goes out to him. But, he's going about things all wrong.

So, there you have it menfolk. Follow these instructions and hopefully the woman of your dreams will leave smiling with your number, rather than running out of the door while trying not to get sick all over your front yard.

Best wishes, and good luck out there,

Steph