Day 79

Calories burned at the gym today: 455

So, I realized this morning that I had failed to give my weigh in results for the week. My bad, sorry. So, here they are: 0 pounds! Ta-da! I'm not really upset, though. Last week was a pretty off week for me. There were even a few days there where I didn't actively track my food or go to the gym. I'm back now, though! Motivation re-accomplished.

Tressa was up from Salt Lake today, so we met up for lunch. The very first thing she said as we hugged was, "Oh my gosh! You look fantastic! The pictures on your blog don't do you any justice." After that, all I could say was, "I love you. I miss you. Please move back."

Tres and I spent a a good hour and a half talking, and even then I really had to make an effort to walk away, because I was going to be late for work. One of the topics we touched on was why we are glad that we did not get married right out of high school.

This reminded me of an experience that I had about four years ago. I was taking care of some kids. There was one boy in particular who was about four years old, and just the cutest thing to ever hit this planet. He had obviously picked up his social skills from watching his parents interact with their friends. He came over and sat on my lap. This is the conversation that followed:

Boy: So, how are your babies?
Me: I don't actually have any babies, yet.
Boy: Oh. Well, how is your husband?
Me: Um, I don't have one of those yet, either.
Boy: (Exasperated sigh) Well, then, what do you have?
Me: I have a mom and a dad and a brother, just like you. I also have...
Boy: Wanders off, disinterested


I laughed then, and I still laugh now whenever I think of that. However, that conversation pretty much sums up how I feel when I talk to a lot of people. No husband, no babies? Then nobody knows what to talk to me about.

The thing is, those subjects used to bother me a lot. I was convinced that I was supposed to be married and popping out kids before I made it out of my teens. Now I realize that I was a complete fool who thought she knew who she was. Looking back I can see that there were so many holes in my self-identity. It has taken me most of my time since high school to get a solid grip on who I am, what makes me tick, and what I truly want. The interesting thing is that I thought I knew the answer to those things when I graduated from high school. But, I only knew the shallow points. I knew what I liked, but I couldn't have told you the deeper reasons of why I liked it. When I would date a guy I would just go on and on about how much I liked him and the cute things he did. What I really liked about a lot of those boys was that they met my standards for those I would date.

A) They were male.

B) They liked church.

C) They paid attention to me.

Now, I will not say that all three of those things are not very high up on my list of important attributes that I am looking for, but they are more detailed and personalized by this point. I'm still very open to different guys, but  I've learned some very important lessons through some experiences that were very interesting, and some that were just plain awful. Some of my biggest revelations are as follows:

1) I do not want to be in a relationship with a guy who is not interested in me.

Okay. I can just see all of you smacking your foreheads. I realize this is an incredibly obvious thing. But for me it was quite the lesson. I would find a guy that I was interested in, he would then give various signs that he wasn't really interested in me. I would quickly ignore these signs. I would hang around and make my interest obvious enough that he either ran away or gave in and dated me. Eventually, when they would quite blatantly tell me they were not interested, I would hold out some sense of hope. Because, subconsciously, I'm a masochist. Apparently. Because I can offer no other explanation for my ridiculous behavior. Now, if I find out that a guy isn't interested, sure it stings, but I will no longer pursue that guy. Having to constantly plead to be in the relationship your are in is not healthy. It's just plain sick. Get help.

2) I do not just want to be married. I want to be married to a guy who loves and appreciates me.

Again, this is not theoretical physics. This one was huge for me, though. When I really care about someone, I will do anything in my power to make them happy. When asked or hinted at I have done anything from doing their cleaning, to driving them across the state, to baking them a feast in the middle of the night. I would also do every one of those things with a smile on my face, because that is how I show someone that I care about them, I do something that requires action. Unfortunately, I have found that this quality can be manipulated very easily, to the point of being used up when needed, and disregarded when not. Once I recognized what was happening I got out of the situation and then swore that I would never marry someone who took me for granted. I by no means require that they show love in the same way, but they must show love.

3) It's very important that they be my friend and intellectually similar. Or, at least, be very kind about being smarter than I am.

Basically, I don't want someone who is under the impression that Shakespeare was a Native American war chief with who favored a long pointy stick as his weapon of choice (Shake spear. Do ya get it? Aw, never mind.). I also don't want somebody who insists on constantly talking about things that are way over my head, and then treats me like a child who they must dumb things down for. When they do this, they do not even meet the friend qualification.

Those are three of the main lessons I've learned regarding relationships in my past half decade of existence. They are also three shining examples as to why it would have been stupid for me to try and pick a guy to tie myself to for time and all eternity when I was at the frail age of eighteen. Those of you who made the decision to get married when you were younger can un-bunch your panties, I have no say on the soundness of your decision. It is completely possible that you found a person that is an excellent match to you. I'm just saying that personally, I was not at all ready back then. I like my odds a whole lot better now that I'm playing without the blindfold on.