Day 78

I really feel like I have to share this with you. I was going to mask this day over and post something shallow and filled with some light humor, because I never intended to share things like this on my blog. However, I am truly unable to re-direct my thoughts elsewhere, so I will post them.

I know this sounds like a familiar and tired phrase now, but today was a very difficult day.

This time it had nothing to do with my diet and everything to do with my job.

As I have mentioned before, I really love what I do for work. Working with the kids in after school club brings me a lot of my greatest joy. What I haven't mentioned is one of the leading factors in my decision to not become a teacher. The lives of some of these angels are nothing short of Hell. It is impossible for me not to love these children. I can say with complete honesty that I would lay down my life for them without the slightest hesitation. So, seeing the product of a life much harder than any soul deserves causes me a deep kind of pain. I have spent nights lying awake, worrying about them. These children are in my heart and stay firmly planted there even after I leave work for the day. This is very similar to why I walked away from nursing. I can't leave work at work. 

Today was a particularly difficult day. When I pulled my car into home I saw that there was a break in the storm, so I grabbed a basketball and decided to make an effort to go to my nothing place. However, even though I had every intention of thinking about absolutely nothing, I could not stop the tide of emotions today. I finally gave up when it began to hail on me. 

Fortunately, I've been blessed with experiences in my life that have helped me know with a certainty where I can turn for peace. 

For any of you who are not religious and can sense where this is going, I ask that you just hear me out. This isn't my religion. This is who I am.

So, I said a prayer. I then remembered one of my favorite scriptures. It is the Savior speaking in the New Testament, John 16:33 and He says, "These things I have spoken unto you,  that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but, be of good cheer; I have overcome the world."

There are times in my life, this one included, when I look at the world around me and feel a deep sadness. There are so many horrible things that effect my life, but that I personally can do very little or nothing to change. But, I do know that I have a Savior who has already felt the pain of those I love, and even the pain that I feel on their behalf. In fact, He and our Father love them even more than I do. Even though I have been particularly troubled as of late, every time that I plead for peace and comfort, it has come. This has been true through all of the most tumultuous times of my life. 

I truly am blessed. Even now, when I feel so helpless, and all I can do is pray, I have seen undeniable proof that God is mindful of all of His children. Miracles happen on a daily basis. A miracle is evidence of God's hand moving in the world around us.

I cannot legally share with you the things I've seen at work, but I will tell you some of the miracles I've seen in my life.

When I was 4 years old my family moved into a house. The plan was just to live in that house temporarily, until they found the house they really wanted. Temporary turned into the next 12 years. My parents were house hunting the entire time and just could never find anything that was quite right. During this time my family were not religious. They were wonderful, moral people who had me baptized at the age of 8, but that was about the only time I had set foot in a church. Around the time that I started middle school, I began to edge toward some riskier behavior and a group of friends who embraced that lifestyle. One day, after a particularly bad decision, I was left feeling alone. I felt empty and abandoned by all that the world had to offer. My heart was softened for a very tender experience that began to open my eyes to the fact that I am loved more than I can comprehend. However, I had no idea what to do with this new thought. It may have ultimately amounted to little, were it not for the amazing women and girls that were in that neighborhood. They suddenly began to genuinely reach out to me and invite that awkward girl with some bad habits to church activities. I really loved how happy I felt around these people. They certainly weren't perfect, but I began to feel a peace when I was around them that I did not find with my other friends. After awhile, I began to go to Young Womens meetings on Sundays. The comfort and joy was even stronger there. After awhile, they invited me to join them for sacrament meeting. This was when I stopped to take a hard look at my life. By now, I was at the beginning of 8th grade. I had kind of been edging away from the friends with bad habits, but I still saw them regularly. However, it was at this point that I made a conscious decision to walk away from them and from everything in my life that conflicted with the values of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I made this very difficult decision, because I had already seen how much happiness had come to me with what changes I had already made. 

I was all in.

Since I made that decision I have faced many more extremely difficult challenges. There have been times when I have felt very sad, and very down. However, those times have never been as deep or seemed as unconquerable as they did before I decided to stand firmly with my Heavenly Father. I have since had peace and a quiet strength to get me through anything in life. 

I am so grateful for this. I hope that each of you reading this know that the same peace and joy is completely within reach for you, as well. I can promise that it is. Try for yourself. If you don't know where to start, www.mormon.org is a great place to look for help. I also would love to talk to you, so you can feel free to drop me a message.

I'm going to share with you one of my favorite songs to feel comfort (Particularly from 2:25 on, but all of it is beautiful.). 

Listen to the words, feel the peace, and know that you are loved.