Day 33

Calories burned at the gym today: 693


Rough night. No lie.

I may have cried a little. Emotions are doing funky crap.No bueno. Part of it may be that I was at a training meeting for most of the night and still haven't had dinner. Tiny thing happened and I got so down. It also doesn't help that I am wicked sleep deprived. Complicating things further is my lack of weight loss this week.
I've realized recently that I've gotten much more selfish than I used to be. So, I've tried to forget myself and get to work. It has been good, but tonight I'm just sad. I go through a confidence rollercoaster. One day I feel great, then a day like today comes along and I feel really self conscious. A lot of it is not about my looks, either. There are things about my personality that make me cringe sometimes. Overall, I like who I am. I don't want to change it. However, that conflicts with my need to be liked and accepted by others. On days like today the tiniest snub makes me feel rejected on a deeper level.
I need to invest in thicker skin.
So I called Shelayna on my way home for training and talked/ cried it out. Then I decided to need to eat some dinner and then get out of the house tonight.
And so we are going out.
My goal is to be confident and comfortable with myself.
Sorry that tonight is short and not happy, but I told myself that I'd share both the ups and downs.
I have to say that in the grand scheme of things, this past month has been one of the happiest I've had in a long time.
I just need to get out of the "fat girl" mind set, which is very self-centered, self-conscious, and self-deprecating.
I'm going to try to have the attitude of the girl who is undeniably beautiful in every sense.
And, one day soon, I'll be her.
I'm also going to try to help instill that same confidence in others.
I have this complex where I truly think that almost every person I meet is beautiful in some way. The only "ugly" ones are ugly because of the way I see them treat others. And that is completely circumstantial.
Healthy people have more immediately apparent beauty, however, after spending time with people, they grow on me. The complex comes in that I have a much more difficult time not rating myself based on others' reactions to me. This is going to be a new goal within my broader goal.

Peace out, home-slices. I'm going to go hug someone.

 Hopefully someone that won't be awkward.