Balm in Gilead

I've gotten into a routine. It's a rather monotonous one, but routine is good. It makes the days go by faster.

It is especially important to have a routine while Ben is gone for about ten hours every week day.

These last few weeks I just haven't been myself. I totally snapped at Ben yesterday. This is not like me. I'll elbow him a bit and suggest things here and there, but I always try to be respectful when I do so. Yesterday, the dragon came out. The worst part is, he was only trying to help.

I knew that part of the problem was that I'd been less diligent with my scripture studies. So these past couple of days I've put a special emphasis on that.

Then today, an answer came in the most unexpected of ways.

I started really thinking about my little Joseph and full on sobbed for over an hour. I got out his memory box and went through his things. As I did so, I just talked to him through my tears. I told him how much I love him. How I miss him. How empty my arms are without him. How perfect he is and always will be. How grateful I am for him.

As I tried not to get any tears on his ultrasounds, the peace finally came.

I didn't even realize all of this was building up in me until I released it.

Once I showed my wounds, my Healer could apply the balm again.

Mourning someone you really love is like receiving a very serious wound yourself. It takes awhile to initially heal, and that's some of the most visible, difficult pain. But then you have to continue on with your bandage changes and physical therapy. If you get lazy, it will be fine for awhile, but then it will all be a whole lot worse. If you try to ignore signs of re-injury, you may end up with an infection.

Sometimes I forget to talk to God about how I'm feeling. I forget that I still need him to walk me through this, daily. I'm still healing.

My Savior felt my pain. He has never stopped reaching out to me through all of this.



If I let Him, He will hold me through it all.

IKEA Dreams

This is not going to be an exciting post.

I am a very different person than I was a little over a year ago when I got married.

I am definitely happier, but also undeniably more boring.

Once upon a time I traveled the western U.S. In my time I've done everything from a midnight hike through grizzly bear country to going on a date with someone off of E Harmony. (Out of the two options, I strongly recommend the hike.) 

Now I work full-time from home as a small business Workers Compensation auditor. The most exciting things in my life right now are going to Zumba and watching Downton Abbey with Ben. 

Well, I guess that's not completely true. We are also in charge of Sunday School for a very lively and diverse group of 14-year-olds. That will sure keep you on your toes.  

The most exciting event this month, by far, has been the purchase of an antiquated washer and ancient dryer. I smile every time I take a short break from work to go start a load of laundry, without having to journey into the arctic outdoors or pay money that should be going towards buying my new clothes instead of cleaning the ones that I already own. We have a top loading washer and I secretly love when I have time to load it and observe as it finishes filling up with water, and then be hypnotized as the clothes are pulled down into the sudsy, dingy water, only to watch new ones come up in their place, all while being transported by the smell of the detergent to somewhere very clean and . . .

Whoa. Sorry about that. I kind of got carried away for a second there.

Speaking of being transported, Ben and I have been longing for a vacation. Between my job and his student teaching right now, the time is hard to come by. 

I'd been day-dreaming all day about being somewhere with real sunshine, not the cold, dead kind we have here, when Ben came home and we started looking up vacation ideas. I've been thinking of Denver for awhile, because its close and I want to show Ben the mountains there. 

Then Ben said the words that I've been hoping to hear since we were engaged: Disney World.

"Really?!" I exclaimed.

"Sure!" said Ben, "It would be fun to go before we have kids with us."

I immediately started looking up planes and hotels and looking at dates that we could make it happen.

I was on the edge of my seat when the inevitable happened.

"WHOA. A ticket for one day in Disney World costs HOW much? Um, dear, I don't think we can do that." Ben said, pulling me back down to earth.

With slumped shoulders, I sighed and said, "Yeah."

"Maybe we could do a smaller trip," Ben went on, trying to cheer me up, "We could go down to Salt Lake or IKEA or something."

Friends, IKEA is my new Disney World. 

Who knows? Maybe, if I save up enough money, I could even buy a really complicated shelf!

Is it practical? No. But my Swedish blood just cries out for it.

Yessss.

This is the life.

Seriously, though, life is good right now. It's all pretty cut and dry.

Simple.

One day, when we're paying a month of school teacher salary to get us and our five children into Disney World, and they take turns crying or whining the whole time, I'm going to turn to Ben, smile, and say, "Remember when we went to IKEA for our vacation?" 

I imagine he'll get a wistful look in his eyes and reply, "Yeah. That was a great day."

Then we'll hold hands as we herd our children through the happiest place on earth, all the while knowing that true happiness is more likely to be found in things that are far more simple.

Along that same train of thought . . .

Random Acts of Kindness for Joseph

I am super excited about this post.

Joseph's due date is coming up next Thursday, the 29th. This is a date that I've been trying to ignore, but which keeps creeping into my thoughts. I've been feeling very apprehensive about it. Ben and I are going to go to a Brian Regan show in our town two days later to cheer us up, but the day itself is one that I've been dreading. I had no idea what to do with it. My basic plan was just to put my helmet on and brace for emotional impact.

Then someone recommended that Ben take the day off and we do something in honor of Joseph that day and just spend it together. As I tried to decide what we could do, nothing really clicked.

Then it dawned on me: Service!

Specifically, I started thinking about the small acts of service my son, Joseph, would have done throughout his life on earth. I decided that we are going to spend this one day dedicated to doing random acts of kindness in Joseph's memory.

Here's where YOU, Mr./Miss/Ms./Mrs. Blog Reader come in.

I would like to invite you to join us. You don't have to dedicate your entire day to it, but if on Thursday, November 29th you could keep Joseph in your thoughts and look for some way to serve others as you go about your day, in honor of Joseph, it would mean so much to us. Then, if you could either post on here, or on Facebook or send me a private message containing what you did, I will compile all of it together for our own safe keeping in Joseph's memory box.

My reason for this is really quite simple. Every parent wants their child's life to have purpose and meaning and to be a positive force for good in the world. Ben and I have the same wishes for Joseph. This is the closest I can come right now to hugging my son and the best way I can think of telling him how proud I am to be his mom.

As I said, your act/s of kindness can be as big or small as you please. Some ideas we've had to get you started thinking are:

• Tape quarters to a vending machine or parking meter with a note for people to take them if they need them
• Scatter spare change around a local playground 
• Slow down to let that person merge into your lane
• Help someone load their groceries into their car and then take the cart back into the store
• Go visit a widow
• Bake something to take over to those neighbors you don't know and then take a few minutes to get to know them
• Call your mom
• Buy a gift card for a store and then turn around and give it to the next person in line
• Go through a drive-thru and pay for the meal of the person behind you

The possibilities are endless! Just keep your eyes open throughout the day and opportunities will pop up. 

Thank you in advance. This idea is one that has brought me not only comfort but real happiness. If I could just ask one more favor of you, please share this idea with others. I want to see how many people I can get involved. Feel free to pin this or share it on Facebook.

Thank you guys for your love and support through all of this.

So many of you are angels in my life.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Sincerely,

Ben and Steph

and

Beautiful Heartbreaks and New Beginnings

Today is the 5 month anniversary of when we held our son for the only time in this life. His due date is next week.
It has been long and difficult and there were times that were so dark.

But I think I'm finally beginning to see light again.

Ben called me up on his lunch break the other day, like he always does, and after just a few seconds he started laughing. When I asked why he said, "You just sound like you. Your voice sounds like you do when there's nothing wrong."

My squinty smile has returned.

I'm not quite there, but I'm almost "me" again.

I won't go into details, but suffice it to say that these last 5 months have been very rough. I was a different woman. I didn't laugh at things that would have cracked me up before. I was super irritable. I had no desire to be social. I even stopped cleaning our home.

Finally, I recognized that I needed help.

There's a stigma around seeking help that shouldn't be there. I know the scriptures say, "Be thou perfect", but no where does it say, "Become perfect completely of your own accord and don't you dare admit that you might have some issues that are too big for you to tackle by yourself. Thou shalt man up and shut up."

So, I'm going to do the unthinkable
.
I'm going to admit that I went to therapy.

I know, I know, try not to avert your eyes from the unashamed crazy chick here.

I went to LDS Family Services and they paired me up with a therapist who helped me understand that I was experiencing what is known as "complicated grief", which is not a permanent condition, but it can lead to much more serious things. She respected my desire to avoid "happy pills" at all costs. She gives me advice on things to do to work through my feelings regarding losing Joseph. Best of all, it helps me feel like I am actively doing something to fight the darkness that wants to take me down.

And you know what?
It's working.
I'm gaining new perspective.

I'm still me, only better than I ever was. It's after we climb the steepest mountains that we are the strongest people.

I can honestly say that right now, this minute my life is really beautiful.

I hope you'll watch the video at the end of this post and recognize the strength that you've gained from your mountains. Maybe you're climbing your steepest mountain right now. If that's the case, keep climbing. Keep praying. Keep loving.
And ask for help.
Ask Heavenly Father.
Ask your friends. (My best friend/husband has been by my side constantly)
Ask anyone you need to.

Because, why on earth would you try to climb Mount Everest without anyone to help along the way?

Releasing the Balloon

We've officially passed the three month mark.

Some days are completely wonderful. It's as if, now that I've known the depths of sorrow, I can more keenly feel the greatest joys. 

As usual, many of these joyful moments have involved children. I've picked up my nanny job and occasional baby-sitting jobs again. I was worried at first that this would be challenging for me. I've found that it's actually as natural as it's ever been. One of these jobs was with a four-year-old girl. We had a princess day, where I dressed her up and we danced around the room. There was a whole lot of happy going on there.

Now I just find myself avoiding very new babies and baby blessings. Those still hit a raw nerve for me.

Of course, there are still other days. Those are the days where it feels as though all hope and motivation have left me. All it takes is the slightest provocation for me to turn into ranting, angry woman, which is usually followed by the sobbing, self-deprecating, phase, which then digresses into the blank phase, where I just lie in bed and ignore my life. 

Those are the days where I have to remind myself to be patient with that bloodshot eyed woman in the mirror because she's still recovering. So I read my scriptures, poor my heart out to my Heavenly Father, let my husBen hold me and try to remember that it won't always be this way and how much progress I've already made.

Share Parents put together their annual balloon release earlier this month. Everyone who has lost a child can come and release a balloon in memory of their child. It was an amazing and emotional experience. 

We thought at first that we only were supposed to take one balloon, so we took turns writing our messages to Joseph on it.

This was when things started to get difficult. I was really holding together well right up until I started to write, "I miss you", and then I felt how strongly I missed him and it was all over after that. 

We found out that we could have another balloon, one for each of us to release. I went and picked out another one and I just filled it up with "I love you", because I often find myself thinking about how many times I would have told him that if he were here.

Everyone also made a flower with their child's name on it to put next to a path we would walk down to where we released the balloons. 

It's amazing how attached we got to those two balloons. After we wrote our letters on them, they suddenly became symbolic of our son. We stood quietly in the field as all the families gathered. 

I began to wonder if I would be ready to let go when the time came. They had a list of the children's names and each family was supposed to let go of their balloons as their child's name was read. I felt my heart rate climb as I thought of releasing this balloon. I'd let go of my son once, could I do it again? I began to sob as I watched all the balloons floating up towards the sun, knowing that once you let go, it would be out of your grasp forever. My stomach was in knots. 

Then the time came.

"Joseph Gordon Allred".

Without thinking I let go. I gasped out loud as I watched our balloons float straight up. 

But it was alright.

Just like the first time, we received the strength we needed, right when we needed it. 

Then there was peace.

Because, unlike with the balloons, I let go of Joseph knowing that I would see him again. 

If any of you are looking for ideas for service projects, Share Parents can always use help with making baby clothes and blankets and buying other things to help grieving parents. They provide an incredible free service for people in their darkest hours, but it isn't free for them. It is impossible for me to explain just how much they've helped us through this process. To contact them go here or here.

Time For Change -or- Bring It On part 2

My relapse into my fat clothes started long before I ended up shopping in the maternity section.

Last fall I wasn't running anymore, I was finally in a wonderful relationship with someone who loved me for exactly how I already looked, I started a somewhat stressful job, and I began the, er-hem, relaxing task of planning my wedding and post-wedding life.

Then there was the holiday season.

And the honeymoon period.

Around March it dawned on me that my body was past the point where I was comfortable with it, and I should probably try to be healthier. I was just getting back into healthy meal planning when I took a pregnancy test that came back positive. Immediately I decided that I was going to really get healthy, for my baby's sake.

Then came severe morning sickness.

Now I know that part of this was from an increasingly severe infection developing in my body. All I knew at the time was that if it stayed down, it was fair game. And, oh yeah, bouncing around exercising? Not likely. This resulted in me not losing all that much weight during this time.

Then I started gaining weight and inches in earnest because, well, I was pregnant, and that's what pregnant ladies do: they grow.

Then I became even more sick.

Then I delivered Joseph.

Then I buried Joseph.

These past few weeks I've just been eating whatever the heck I feel like eating. I figure it's yet another manifestation of, "I have no control over the fact that I can't have what I really want, so I'm going to take everything else that I kind of want, because I can."

Then I realized that none of my pants fit me. The logical next step was to go shopping. But none of those fit me either.

Then I cried.

Then I started making changes.

We are now the proud owners of 3/4 of the produce section at Macey's, and I've incorporated all of it into our meals that I've actually been making from scratch. I've been eating on smaller plates with smaller forks, because that makes my brain think I'm eating more. Snacks have leaned more towards fruit and less towards junk.

Then I went out and bought this DVD:

I did the beginner workout and loved it! The only problem is that, in the two days since then, my body has been so ridiculously sore in those exact areas that the DVD focused on that I'm not capable of doing the routine again, although I tried this morning. Other than being a really awesome workout, some other things I love about the DVD are:

1) Like most workout DVDs they have the trainer with the unattainable body doing the workout. Unlike other DVDs, they have people like me working out behind them. This is great because, not only does it make me feel less self conscious, it also has the psychological, "Well, if HE can do it..." effect. 

2) Ben will wake up early to do the workout with me before he goes to work. And it challenges him, too. So, unlike when we go for a run, he is not my cheerleader, he is a fellow struggler and fighter.

While I will definitely be using that DVD, I've also renewed my gym membership. Now there is no excuse when I'm too sore from one specific workout, or it's too hot outside, or whatever else I can come up with. The gym is air conditioned and has a large variety of equipment, so I just look in the mirror, tell myself to man up, and go get my sweat dripping.

I found an elliptical machine today that lets me monitor my heart rate. This meant that I could check throughout my workout to make sure I wasn't wimping out. I kept my heart rate in the neighborhood of 150 for a solid half hour.

Basically, what it comes down to is this: It's back on, baby.

My body was given to me as a gift. It stands as a temple, honoring the One who made it. I'm in charge of the maintenance of this temple, and I will be accountable for everything that is done with it. 

My body is still capable of so much, I just need to keep working for it. 

Right now I'm not weighing myself, Honestly, I don't even want to know how far I've strayed. It doesn't matter. This body is going to be healthy and capable. I'm focusing on losing fat, and building muscle, including my heart.

I owe it to my Father.

I owe it to my husband.

I owe it to my future children.

I owe it to myself.

I owe it to Joseph not to completely fall apart.

Once again I say, Bring It On.

New Adventures Await

The mother of my first best friend made this wonderful collage for me, that I really like, so I thought I'd share it with ya'll.

This past week I've dedicated myself to moving forward and doing the things that I want to.

The hard part is, all I want in the world is to have my Joseph safe in my belly or in my arms.

But I can't have that for now.

So, I'm doing all these other things that I should want to do, and I'm moving forward, because I have to. I just have to keep away all the irrational, but inevitable feelings of guilt. 

Example of an odd bout guilt: For several years I've played with the idea of going to cosmetology school. I was going to start earlier this year, but then we found out that Joseph was going to be joining us. I'm going to be taking classes for 8 hours a day for a little over a year all the way over in Brigham City. We decided this would have to go on the back burner, because my pregnancy was turning out to be pretty rough, and we really didn't want to have to put Joseph into a daycare right after he was born. I was kind of disappointed about this, but that was greatly overshadowed by how excited I was to be a mom. 

But, now I'm coming to grips with that fact that I won't be welcoming a beautiful new baby into our life within the next year. Ben brought up the idea that maybe now would be the time for me to go to school. So, I've started the process of getting enrolled. I should be excited. This is what I've always wanted. However, every time I start to get excited, a voice in my head reminds me that the only reason I'm in the position to go to school right now is because I lost my Joseph. 

And then I feel guilty for being excited about something that means I don't have my son with me.

That's just one example. Things like that seem to pop up here and there. They make me feel awful. But, through an incredible amount of prayer and answers to those prayers, I've been given the strength and motivation to go forward with my life. I need to keep progressing.

Ben and I have also started being what I have termed "responsibly reckless". 

Other people might refer to it as "enjoying life and love".

We'd already planned a trip with my parents up to Jackson Hole, scheduled for a bit over a week from now. This trip was going to be our only summer adventure. 

Now we're averaging an adventure a week.

Last weekend we decided to celebrate our belated 6 month wedding anniversary/ 1 year from first date-iversary. We had a coupon card that could get us buy one get one free at a lot of different restaurants around the valley. We wanted to go somewhere really special. I saw an add in the coupon book for Belle Monte. I went and looked at their web site (click here) and thought it sounded like it might be nice, so we dressed up all fancy and went over to Sherwood Hills, where Belle Monte is right inside their lobby. We were the only people who appeared to have come there on purpose. Everyone else seemed to be staying at the resort and just was eating there so they didn't have to drive out of the canyon. 

Folks, this was the best restaurant I've ever eaten at. Every bite of food tasted like someone had really put a lot of thought into it. They didn't skimp on the portions, either. We ordered the sushi for the appetizer and then Ben got a shrimp pasta dish and I ordered the beef wellington. 

It was the best food I've ever tasted. Period. For the first time in my existence, I felt that I would be ungrateful if I failed to send my compliments to the chef. 

I highly recommend this restaurant to anyone with taste-buds or a love for ambiance (if you don't count your fellow restaurant attendees into account. Most had just gotten done hiking.). 

The night of the July 3rd was spent at Freedom Fire, the fireworks show in Logan. We were both having a cantankerous evening, because...

the 4th of July was a difficult holiday for me. It might sound silly, but I'd really been looking forward to being pregnant on the 4th. I'd heard that babies will kick when fireworks go off, and I was really looking forward, since I knew my baby was particularly wiggly and responsive to touch, I was excited to see if he reacted to noise, too. I spent that morning feeling really empty.

The distraction for the day of the 4th was Bear Lake. After driving over and getting the obligatory LaBeau's shake (Sidenote: Root beer-marshmallow was the best flavor combo I've come up with so far. Don't judge. Just try it. Also, Ben is prodding me to include his genius combo of orange-peach. It was also good.), we went over to a rocky, free portion of the south shore and went wading. 

I still can't go swimming for a bit longer, but we still put our feet in and then conducted some experiments in physics, namely, figuring out just how big of a rock we could get to skip.

Ben caught this impressive shot of him mid-sneeze.
Apparently, he's allergic to beach related happiness.
Or sand fleas.
There were plenty of both present.

 We spent the rest of the day on a gorgeous drive, before returning home much better off than we'd left it.

I'm not sure yet what this week will hold as far as adventures, but next week will be our trip to Jackson Hole, and then the week after that we'll be taking an overnight trip down to Salt Lake, where we'll stay in a 4-star hotel, that I found an awesome deal on and going to the zoo and City Creek. 

These little spontaneous trips, or trips to places that are more grand than we would normally take are our way of being rebellious. We've just lost our son and walk around with a constant, quiet feeling of being out of control of the most important things in our lives. Having little, controlled outbursts of recklessness helps to keep us sane right now. 

Just don't let me around any explosives or firearms any time soon. 

I have a hard enough time not randomly turning my car into a life size bumper car, demolition derby style.

The other day we were driving home and there were cars parked up and down our street. It looked like one was blocking our driveway, and I had the sudden image in my mind of us plowing into it at full speed. The thought was gratifying, but decidedly disturbing, so I elected not to share it with Ben, and instead silently smiled a malicious grin. As he was putting the car into park, safely in our garage, my husband turned to me and said, "I was hoping that car was parked front of our driveway. I really wanted an excuse to hit it."

An eternal kind of crazy.

My husband and I are, indeed, of one heart and one mind. Unity in marriage is a beautiful thing.