Balm in Gilead

I've gotten into a routine. It's a rather monotonous one, but routine is good. It makes the days go by faster.

It is especially important to have a routine while Ben is gone for about ten hours every week day.

These last few weeks I just haven't been myself. I totally snapped at Ben yesterday. This is not like me. I'll elbow him a bit and suggest things here and there, but I always try to be respectful when I do so. Yesterday, the dragon came out. The worst part is, he was only trying to help.

I knew that part of the problem was that I'd been less diligent with my scripture studies. So these past couple of days I've put a special emphasis on that.

Then today, an answer came in the most unexpected of ways.

I started really thinking about my little Joseph and full on sobbed for over an hour. I got out his memory box and went through his things. As I did so, I just talked to him through my tears. I told him how much I love him. How I miss him. How empty my arms are without him. How perfect he is and always will be. How grateful I am for him.

As I tried not to get any tears on his ultrasounds, the peace finally came.

I didn't even realize all of this was building up in me until I released it.

Once I showed my wounds, my Healer could apply the balm again.

Mourning someone you really love is like receiving a very serious wound yourself. It takes awhile to initially heal, and that's some of the most visible, difficult pain. But then you have to continue on with your bandage changes and physical therapy. If you get lazy, it will be fine for awhile, but then it will all be a whole lot worse. If you try to ignore signs of re-injury, you may end up with an infection.

Sometimes I forget to talk to God about how I'm feeling. I forget that I still need him to walk me through this, daily. I'm still healing.

My Savior felt my pain. He has never stopped reaching out to me through all of this.



If I let Him, He will hold me through it all.